REVIEW OF MY YEAR 2008!!!

[FeLLy aka Felicia]

WOW, Another full YEAR is almost over! Can't believe it! Where did it all go? My son's 3 yrs old now and I feel like it was just yesterday I brought him home from the hospital. What's that saying, "time sure goes by fast when ur haven fun!" lol!! Just the other day, I was having this long convo with my best friend Tiffany. We was talking about memories of this year and everything that happened to us. It seems sooo much has happened for me. AND one ? seems to puzzle me, even now. As I write this, I just don't know how to answer it. Tiff asked me If this year was gr8? If it was memorable? I don't know because this year was hard for me and I went thru a lot of pain, that I don't know if I want to remember! I mean, surrrre there was a lot of good things happened also but there was pain that indulged me along.

My dad Ralph was sick with cancer from the very beginning of '08 and he got worse everyday. It was hard watching him get weaker everyday. AND I always thought he was the strongest person I knew, mind and soul. Even when he had his moments of weakness, HE always knew what to say and how too deal with everyday life. I always just wanted to cry and just give up on life. He never showed weakness even thou he felt it but he fought everyday of his life too the end. I had to quit school soooo I could spend everyday with him. It was my choice and everybody said I should stick with it. BUT why, my dad was more important. He was everything to me, at that moment. Everything else didn't matter to me. I just knew in my heart, I had to be by him. COZ I knew deep in my heart, his timing was coming to end soon. I didn't want to think like this, but I knew. My mom even told me, Coz everyone knew dad would pull thru but my mom was devastated coz she felt he was going soon. I never wanted to listen to my mom, but dammit, I felt my heart ache everyday has I say him wilt away from me. BUT I did enjoy everyday day I was with him. Even if it was jus being by his bed side, reading his fav story to him, or feeding him, or jus talking to him about life. AT most times, he slept but my mom said he could hear U soooo jus talk to him like there was nuthin wrong with him. SO I did, I told him everything. My son came to visit with him but most times, my son was a lil scared becoz U know ALL lil ones dont understand about death. OR whats happening to someone who's every sick. My son would just say, "Mama, Papa sleeping, ok?!?!" Its sad at times BUT I'm glad my dad got too know my son and those times he spent with my son, were times I'll never forget. I'll treasure them ALWAYS! My dad ALWAYS spoke about my son with pride and happiness. He loved him soooo much and HE was the best GRANDPA to his grandson. SO MANY ppl rejected my son the moment he was born, like my mother BUT NOT MY DAD!! HE loved him from the moment he opened his eyes and never putting him down. Its why my son has my Dads middle name. Johnathon Lee! MY dad was sooo happy and every time he called my son, he called him with his middle name lol!!

I know death happens. Its part of life but how i hate it. Its a natural thing, i know. SO on Aug. 10th of 2008, my dad passed away. He went peaceful and im glad. COZ i knew he was in a lot of pain. It was a day Ill never forget. The most pain I'll never forget either. Thought my world ended that day. I felt I lost part of myself! I cried just for a lil bit but I stopped right away. I don't know why, maybe because I needed to be strong for my mom? OR maybe my whole family? OR maybe I just needed to show my dad I am still the strong person he made me to be? Even without him, I could still go on and do things. I just kept myself busy after that. MY mom took it pretty hard and even too this day, she still is. They been married for 30years and IF I ever needed to know what true love is, I just look at my parents and I would know. They really loved each other soooo much. AND for my mom to feel that pain, it killed me!

WHAT else is there to do but keep on going. LIFE went on for me and ughs. I had my days but I know my dad would want me. PLUS my son I had to keep in mind. HE kept me busy and most of all, live my life. IF it wasnt for him, I dont know where I would be. Its a gr8 feeling ya know. How a child could change ur life to the best thing in ur life.

As for me personally, my health went down the drain also. Last May, I was having headaches like crazy and went to the docs. I had an MRI done and sure enough, they found something. At first, they said it was a cysts in my brain and it could be dealt with meds. My doc had me go see another doc, the brain docs. He looked at me and what he told me, I wasn't so happy. He said I had a pituitary tumor, which in my case was causing all my headaches and other illness. It was growing fast and they wanted to remove it surgically. I had my surgery Dec 4th and it went good. Was there for a week, coz the meds they gave me wasn't agreeing with my body. My body kept rejecting the meds. I was sooo ready to go home. I hate hospitals!!! IN time, I went home on the 9th. They still looking at the tumor because the found a lump on the side of my tumor when it was removed. Too this day, im still waiting on that. I just hope its not cancerous. Im praying it aint that. Once I know, then Ill keep U ALL posted on the next step.

NOW i know this seems like a lot of things and painful BUT I REALLY did have some good things happen this year. I went on vacations, being with my dad and family, was awesome. WITH memorable memories, it sure beat ALL the painful memories! SOOOO I guess in a way, to answer my ?, I did have a good year, NOT the best but I gotta think positive. For my sons sake and my dads. IF I was in my dads shoe, I would live my life to the fullest like my dad did. ALL I gotta ask myself is, "WHAT WOULD MY DAD DO?" R.I.P. Dad, I Love U!!

SOOOO the last thing to say is, BRING ON THE NEXT YEAR!! May the next year just be as memorable!

[kaos-kutie]

i dont know u but i feel a connection there i lost my sister to cancer 2 years ago...its a horrible thing that destroys families, i watched her die,in agony,i prayed to god for him to take her because she was in such pain. shes gone but her memorys still strong because she lives in the hearts of her 7 sisters and 2 brothers and of course my mom. i hold her memory close to my heart she was only 41 when she passesd away. a golden heart stopped beating...hard working hands laid to rest..god sometimes proves to us he only takes the best.